halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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