Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
