Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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