also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
