he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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