Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
