I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
