Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
