he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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