Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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