Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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