I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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