i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
vagina is talking i cant
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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