I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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