my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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