1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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