she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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