dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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