I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
