Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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