the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
