We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
