I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
