Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
