now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
