nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
