I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
