Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
