totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
