I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I would ride that face into the sunset
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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