there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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