my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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