Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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