So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
