She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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