hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
