God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
