We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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