"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
