i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
