I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
