We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
