I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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