New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
