Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
