oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
