Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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