Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
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Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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