I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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