I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Couch. On fire.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
