Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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