im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
