Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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