onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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