Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
