I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
